What Am I?

This is what keeps me up at night.

I’ve questioned my sexuality since 2017, or my junior year of college. I have flip-flopped from straight to straight-but-I-don’t-want-d*ck to bisexual to lesbian to ace and back to straight on-and-off since then. For the most part, I’ve become more comfortable with the bisexual label despite viewing myself as more straight or gay depending on the time.

So the last half of this week, I was becoming pretty solid about the label lesbian. I feel pretty solid that I like girls and boys are just eh. The weekend passes and I enter the new week still clinging onto my decision, except now my brain’s trying to change my mind.

This is the first time I’ve been this sure that I’m a lesbian, and yet my brain is like “Are you sure you want to write off guys altogether? Before you’ve even dated a guy? Or had sex with a guy?” And my brain creates scenarios where I show a mutual attraction to a guy.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. “Okay, so if you like girls and still retain an attraction to guys you’re most likely bi-curious or bisexual.” I agree; that makes sense.

Except this doesn’t make sense. Why is it that the moment I actively ponder if I’m a lesbian that my brain tries to change my mind? I want to be a lesbian. I want to throw away the obligation of being attracted to guys. It’s like fiddling with a loose tooth. I just can’t wait for it to fall out.

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m a lesbian actually experiencing compulsory heterosexuality/coercive heterosexuality or a bisexual woman experiencing an intense bout of internalized biphobia.

That’s enough rambling for now, Good Night!