Reaching for Approval

Good evening. This post was kind of unprompted but I was just thinking.

Since coming home from college, I’ve either gotten a job or can just barely grasp an interview for a job. And that has worn down my self-esteem and my confidence in my abilities. If I spent four years on a degree, why is the job hunt not turning up anything good?

I’m not focusing on the job hunt part though. I finally am getting to a place where I’m noticing something. I’m kind of a glutton for approval.

Often I think to myself, I’m technically an adult, but I would give anything for a more seasoned adult to just tell me what to do. Not make choices for me. Not dictate what I say and do, just give me something to do because I obviously don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel irresponsible to even care for myself.

Sometimes I spend hours just frozen with indecision. Not sure what should be a priority at the moment or how long should I focus on a task. It’s horrible. Because I’m this perfectionist procrastinator. If I can’t do it perfectly the first time, I’m defective and it’s not worth doing.

Sometimes I finally work up the nerve to do that thing that’s been on my list for a while — like create a serious cosplay (body paint, wig, DIY-sewn, etc.). Today I spent most of this afternoon visiting Walmart and Party City for makeup, a wig, spray paint and I’ve never felt like this.

I have never done a project that required a lot of time and steps outside of an academic situation without a parent, friend, or teacher guiding me through the steps.

I only created my first cosplay because my Dad really got into it. It was Medusa from the anime Soul Eater. We went to the craft store and bought iron-on appliques for the symbols on her hoodie. I bought a wig and styled it to the best of my ability it was awesome. I was 14 or 15.

Now I’m 22 years old re-kindling my interests in embroidery, painting and now cosplay since I can’t get a job. I did it to get my mind off of that. So now that I’ve finally worked up the nerve to buy the supplies I needed, thread the sewing machine, etc. I feel kind of shaky.

Am I doing this right? Should I text my dad or show it to my art major sibling? Would my mother or father be impressed? Like how a kid makes a picture on computer paper and brings it to their parents. They kind of fawn over it in a higher falsetto and maybe hang it on the fridge.

But now, the kid is older. She finally does this thing she’s contemplated and put off out of fear of it not being a flawless product. She ignores her insecurity, does it for the sake of doing it, and shows it to someone. And its met with acknowledgement, but also indifference. Like, “Okay. Why are you showing me this?”

The older “kid” walks away with this thing she made kind of bummed out. I’m at a place where I feel useless. Like all I can do is consume and take up space. Here I made this thing to create something cool that I don’t see in myself or in my life. And it wasn’t the reaction I wanted.

I wanted someone to be proud of me because if I could make something cool, it’d validate that I’m a worthwhile space of a human being. I’m not just some useless kid who can’t get a part-time job.

So I’m just now realizing that I crave external validation from the same people who are disappointed with my current situation. And that I’m not getting it from anyone.

I’m consciously aware that we do pretty decent things but they’re things that only we know about. Sometimes you’ve got to pat yourself on the back. Celebrate small victories privately. I haven’t figured out how to do that.

That’s because my gauge for how well I’m doing are other people. And if other people aren’t impressed with how I’m doing, I must not be doing well. I haven’t found my own definition of fulfillment or success. And I’m not doing things for my own sake.

So maybe I would be better off if I didn’t place my entire worth in my ability to obtain employment — a big aspect of modern living. And that I don’t place my worth on external praise or approval for accomplishments. It feels good but it shouldn’t deflate you if someone doesn’t compliment you.

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Alright, that was an unstructured rant but it was worth it. Approval from others is nice but it doesn’t replace the approval you need from yourself. I hope I come a place where I’m okay with where I am not matter what. Good night!