Ironic Loneliness

Back in 2012 or 2013 I decided to get a Tumblr account. It was the first social media platform I used that my parent(s) didn’t use, so it felt like breaking into new, unfamiliar territory. Tumblr became a place where I could find media of my niche interests. However, I didn’t use the app to socialize. 

One of the first posts I ever reblogged was a quote by author Douglas Coupland.

The quote from his book, Shampoo Planet, read:

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”

I revisit this quote on nights when a sudden wave a loneliness hits and my chest feels like it caved in, because it validates the irony of loneliness. Whenever I felt lonely I’d reach out to friends through DM or in person. And when this earnest need to not be/feel alone wasn’t met with the response I desired it made me feel worse. 

I was fully cognizant that I was seeking out company so I wouldn’t be alone, not entirely because they were interesting, fun, people. And that’s sad. 

During my freshman orientation week, I felt so alone that I snuck into a group of students that were leaving the dinging hall the same time as me. Luckily we all became friends because they were nice and friendly. But if that hadn’t happened, would I have handled the loneliness of not knowing anyone except my roommate and suitemate that weekend? 

A high school friend reaffirmed the Coupland quote when she mentioned that if you feel lonely while by yourself, you have to take the time to figure out why. 

Usually, socially adjusted people enjoy time alone. So do I. Now that I work-trained at a grocery store I’m kind of realizing all I missed out on trying to find a job. There’s this disconnect between me and others. There’s no one I feel particularly close to anymore. Or it’s painfully obvious that I didn’t feel close to many to begin with. 

For example, we were friends with people in high school because we had to spend 8hours/day, 5 days/ 1week for four years. More if you were in extracurricular activities with them. But when you graduate everyone goes on their own path. Or you’ll drift apart.

College friends are arguably closer than high school friends because high schoolers are still growing. College kids have a more solid idea of their identity and who they tend to hang out with. They’re the friends you’re more likely to maintain later in life, even if you spend years without talking. That isn’t to negate that the same can happen with high school pals. 

I reached a dilemma where I’d want to go out, but being a young woman going alone anywhere, that’s a bad idea. So I’d have to take a siblingor a parent with me. And one of the saddest feelings I’ve felt was this past sunday at a horror convention where I’m walking around alone and my parent’s just waiting in the car for me.

An obvious solution is to just hit up a high school classmate who still lives nearby. They could’ve easily met up with me to go to a convention. And maybe they wouldn’t.

And if we went four years into college, work, military or parenting without any contact, why would they want to meet up now, on a Sunday to drive one town over to some convention at a hotel? 

Hitting people up to hang out is not a bad idea. I should actually try this. But I’m aware that you can feel lonely in a room full of people. And you’re the only person you’re around this most. And I think that can solve itself with more self-awareness and less self-obsession (idk I’m just spitballing).

Regardless, I’m glad that I could lament about being lonely to whichever poor soul came across this blog post tonight.

Remember loneliness is normal part our lives. The challenge is to step out of believing you’re not worth being around others. And with that in mind, Good Night!