Vexation of Spirit

Good evening! I just want to share a nonsensical sequence of thoughts I had last Wednesday after signing new-hire paperwork to work part-time, seven days a week between seven to seven.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I got hired part-time at a grocery store.

Yeah, it was official-ish last Wednesday. The I spent Valentine’s day and Saturday in a room watching training videos and taking quizzes all morning and most of the afternoon. It was fun (mind-numbing).

So when I signed the new-hire paperwork I felt like I had made a bad decision. Part of me dreaded having to work in customer service again, but this was supposed to be the resolution.

The end of all of this angst, shame and low self-esteem. I felt beaten down because I couldn’t get part-time work after my other job went out of season. Now, that I’m a training new hire, it’s not really an accomplishment.

Most of this angst and frustration stemmed from my mother. She applied the most pressure on my finding work while my amusement park job was in off-season. And this pressure evolved into criticism, and constant questioning if I’d applied or heard back from employers. Then this was internalized hard.

I didn’t have to interact with my parent in person to feel the criticism. I’d repeat those comments to myself. Many days I felt like a failure, unlovable, ugly, etc. And others I’d just be fed-up and angry with this insane loop.

I got hired but I also really regret this because I was only hired because I said I’ll work Sundays. And I bemoaned working weekends. I think I was grieving the end of my semi-unemployment.

With this in mind, I treated myself to a solo movie date to see Birds of Prey. Came home later and was still annoyed that I’m employed. Kind of cried and actually prayed to (Judeo-Christian) God asking what was all of this — apprehension and regret and anger?

I grabbed my KJV Bible, closed my eyes and open it up to a random page. Whatever phrase I landed on I’d read the passage and figure out if it had any relevance to my life.

It was freaking ECCLESIASTES. No literally just the title of the book Ecclesiastes. If it’s unfamiliar, this book is written by Solomon, king of Israel. His claim to greatness is that through God, he become the wisest king ever. And he kind of did.

The book of Ecclesiastes are these series of poems presumably written during Solomon’s later years where he’s done it all and done it big. He became wise. He was the wealthiest king alive. He had 700+ wives. He drank wine and sought pleasure. He became a full-blown workaholic.

The flip side is seeking knowledge, wealth, wine or pleasure, and work just for the sake of it was meaningless or in vain. Accumulating wealth only makes you want more, which means you have more to lose. Seeking pleasure is meaningless. Working a lot is meaningless.

So based on the Random Page game I play with books (the KJV Bible), if the book of Ecclesiastes has relevance, what meaning could I gain from that?

I think the point of Ecclesiastes is to accept that people come into this world, work, drink, be merry, suffer, and die. Solomon wrote that this is literally God’s gift to humankind. Knowledge for its own sake is meaningless. Wealth for its own sake is meaningless. The same applies to pleasure, fame, status, wine, etc.

That’s a rather morbid message to place in the Bible, but it kind of fits in with the world flooding, seven plagues, and God striking enemies down bits. It’s disappointing but kind of a relief.

I’ll try to keep that in mind when I obsess over working and yearning to not be, and not working and yearning to be. Sometimes it’s just meaningless and at surface. It’s not a crime to just enjoy your life.

That’s enough postulating about deep concepts. Writing this made my brain hurt. And if it made your brain hurt, maybe it’ll help you sleep.

With that said, good night!