Nightly Write #5

Just taking a moment to reflect on something that may not need a second thought

Yesterday I stopped by CVS on my way home from work for toothpaste, daily vitamins, and maybe antacid. Now, more than 24 hours later, I’m just now letting myself think about what happened while I was there.

When I walked into CVS, I saw that the interior layout of the store had changed. The makeup and toiletries sections had wood flooring and shelves that kind of interconnected. The shelves were also illuminated. Newish carpet. A newly built section for medical appointments.

It made me stop right at the door. I looked around briefly, noticed a managerial guy in a button down shirt and just walked ahead to look for what I needed. But it was only after I made it to the medicine/pharmacy section to look for daily gummies & stomach antacid, that I noticed the managerial guy was standing across the main aisle in my periphery.

He asked me how my day was going, and if I needed help finding something. I responded accordingly, tried to ignore his presence & decided between a fiber powder or fiber pills.

When I felt I lingered too long, I just took the fiber powder and kept looking in the nearby aisles to see what else they had. I put back the powder and got fiber gummies instead, and soon after paid for my stuff at a self-checkout kiosk. One that showed you a feed of a camera angled at you. And went home.

Thinking back, I can’t help but wonder if I was profiled as suspicious for walking into the store too quickly and moving a little frantically?

No really. Think about it.

I’m a short twenty-something black woman wearing a store shirt and khakis walking into the store with a purpose to find what I need and buy it. In my defense, my manner of navigating the store was because the layout of the store is different from the last time I visited. Plus, I was in a rush to get toothpaste and drive home.

And the manager-guy saw this and made it a point to walk to the part of the store where I was and greet me.

Who knows? I may be misinterpreting this entirely. He did have a bit of a grand opening vibe to him. Like being eager to help customers in a brand new store and state-of-the-art technology. It creates the statement that your visit should be problem-free because it’s open, well-lit, has tech and service ready to help you find stuff.

But it also creates the impression that you are being watched. I mentioned that the shelves had lights illuminating the products in makeup/toiletries. The self-checkout kiosk shows you a feed of yourself scanning and bagging your purchases.

While it’s supposed to make a convenience store trip better, I just feel I didn’t belong and was viewed as suspicious, even if I had the same intentions as other customers. It could’ve been that my behavior looked lost. Or it could’ve been my skin color.

Growing up my mother made sure we knew what to do and not to do when shopping. Aside from don’t touch anything, I’m not buying it. It was to walk in, grab what you need and check out. Not to linger too long. Make it obvious that you’re going to purchase. This subtle over-emphasis that I, a black person, am going to purchase the item(s) and not steal them.

And regardless of that, there’s a chance you’ll still be followed or watched closely throughout your visit.

I remember experiencing something like this less than a handful of times. Or maybe it’s so unpleasant I view it as normal or forgot about it purposefully.

I don’t recall experiencing overt forms of racism but it’s subtle things like being watched in stores, people chirping their cars as you walk by them, no smiles or cheerful tone when people greet you. You’re not going to get that because you’re not white, and at this point I don’t expect it. But it does make me feel like a secondary person. And I imagine the same happens to Asian, Latinx, Muslim, Sikh, and other minority groups in the U.S.

It isn’t to say that he racially profiled me but in a town like mine, whose to say he didn’t?

And sorry if this isn’t nuanced, I can’t explain it without it sounding weird. Have a great night. Don’t stay up too late.