Nightly Write #8

12/06/20

This week has been kind of hard on my physically, mentally, and emotionally for similar reasons. Part of what I do to cope is distract myself from it until it’s 1AM and I stop and say, “I’m not gonna be okay until I acknowledge this.”

A few days before this weekend people from the corporate part of the store chain I work at visited for 3 days. And for those three mornings, a different supervisor would notify me of corporate’s presence and urge me to loudly greet everyone and make sure corporate hears you engaging with customers.

I do exactly that but I kid you not, the moment they walk in I’m literally in the middle of something and I don’t see them. The supervisors are usually nice but they kind of agitated me this week. I’m a soft-spoken person wearing a mask so speaking loudly enough is harder than normal.

Lately I’ve been irritable and angry at everyone’s opinions on my efforts when I’m doing my best. If it’s not corporate relaying through my supervisor what I’ve done wrong, it’s my mother harping on my appearance and career.

I yearn for the day this doesn’t affect me, the day this doesn’t hurt my feelings. Because I am tired of letting people who don’t know what I experience get to pass judgement on me. In a pandemic of all times. Fxck that.