KMUAN #001: loneliness paradox

Hello people. Welcome to Keeps Me Up at Night, where I talk about whatever’s on my mind. 

It’s the second post of 2025. *air horns* BR-BR-BR-BR-BRAAOWWWW

We’re on a roll. Last year it used to take so much prep-talk to post. Now I wanna pivot and just talk about whatever. It’s all good. I love it. 

Anyways, tonight’s topic is a bit all over the place. And yet it’s also specific. 

Topic: Is the loneliness I’m experiencing a paradox?

So this thing that has happened since I moved back to my hometown in my 20’s. 

Acquaintances and friends from college are now scattered to the 4 winds almost literally. Friend groups drift apart. We get our careers in gear. We’re working. We’re moving into our living spaces (minus me 🙂). We’re moving away. We’ve begun to live our lives —

And I’m here. Also living too. 

It’s been odd to go to work, maybe stop by some stores for impulse or necessary purchases and go home. Sometimes work-home-work again makes kmuanblog a boring gyal. 

I wanna shake some ass. (awkward). Go out and spend a night in the city. I’d like to hang out. I’d like to shake. Some. Ass. 

God, if I knew the way 2020-2024 was gonna play out sooner, I would’ve gone to parties. I would’ve been to the clerb by now. I have – technically – but it wasn’t a Bella Noche-type experience for me. If you know what I mean? 

All I’m saying is it’s 2025, and if I don’t have safe opportunities to have fun & shake some ass, there’s gonna be a problem. 

And I haven’t crossed the threshold between me shaking ass alone in my room to a group of girls at a party or the clerb shaking ass. It’s a logistic conundrum.

This is just like in the Summer of 2019 —

— when I was home with a fresh Bachelor’s degree and not getting many results in the job search. 

“I need a job. “

“The jobs we’re offering require someone with experience.” 

“I can’t get experience unless someone hires me. No one will hire me because I don’t have the experience. But in order for me to have experience, I will have been working in this field prior to this job search… “

So here comes the Wanna-go-to-the-Clerb cycle; 

“I want to go out.” 

“Well, kmuanblog, you’re an unmarried woman in America. You can’t just go out by yourself.” 

“You’re right, which is why I haven’t.” 

“Well, then you’ll need to go out with someone.” 

“Okay, let me ask someone. Everyone’s busy and can’t go.” 

“Well, I guess it’s best to stay home.” 

“But it’s not fun.” 

“Yeah, but – “

“I KNOW – “

And so on and so on.

Hey if you’re a former wallflower person or an extroverted social person: How would y’all resolve this situation? 

Because from my vantage point it’s either a paradox, a circle or I’m running on a hamster wheel. Hard to tell. Am I stuck or am I looking at this wrong?

Anyways. I’m actually gonna look into this. Also, happy January. 

Stay safe & warm. Goodnight. 🫠