Earlier today I was tidying up my room and sat down for a break.
During my break, I decided to try one of my journal prompts. And I got the random urge to thumb through my old journals from 2022-2024. The first entries from 2023 made me realize that I’ve been complaining about the same sh*t this decade.
Legit anything that bothered me in 2023 was something I wrote about in 2025?!
My first thought was “Time isn’t real. You mean to tell me that while I’m pontificating in a loop about several things nobody outside of me would even care about time has passed?! People have gone on about their lives. Marriages. Traveling. Moving away. New careers. And I’ve always been here just harping on myself for not cleaning my room and completing my cosplay projects in time?!”
That’s a horrible thought to me because that’s how I’ve felt. From the moment I moved back to my family home and even after I started working, it felt like everyone got to evolve into their adult selves. And I just had to stay the same, but not exactly.
The metaphor that best describes it is Alice in Wonderland growing super tall after 1 bite of a cookie. Or Will Ferrell as the titular Elf, an obvious adult human among his elf peers. The same things are the same, but you aren’t and neither are the circumstances around you.
If you were to ask me what I’ve been doing all this time, on the surface it’d be just working, going straight home, eating dinner, scrolling on my phone and then it’s well past midnight. I gotta crawl into bed and start again.
Lately I’m trying to resist that.
I’m one of those undiagnosed neurodivergents where a routine is a grounding aspect for living, but without spontaneity it’s a horrible prison. Being aimless isn’t good but feeling like you’re on a merry-go-round for years isn’t good either.
I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder “Where did all the time go?” In all the time I’ve spent on this Earth I could’ve done all the things I wished I could be doing instead of my stable job. Or traveling as single adult. Or starting a whole new life somewhere else. I’ve thought about doing all these things. And I haven’t moved on much from what I’ve done.
So I want to kind of send a gentle wake up call to people who are swinging around on their own daily routine hamster wheels. There’s nothing actually wrong with a stable, consistent job and routine. It brings a sense of peace for some. But I want to remind myself & maybe you that it’s okay to take different routes.
Drive a different route home. Stop at a local food place you pass along your route. Say hi to someone you see but never speak to daily. Our lives are considerably short, even with modern medicine & good health. Don’t spend it just doing the things we always do every day.
Travel to new places. Try new hobbies. Eat cuisines from different cultures. Consider a new religion. Declutter your wardrobe and slowly add new clothes. Dye your hair red.
Sometimes I have to tell myself that if the idea to do something pops in my mind and I don’t act on it, it’s the equivalent of suppressing my emotions. And we know that’s not a healthy thing to do. Plus, if it was on your mind, why not give it a try.
I don’t want to leave this life feeling like I haven’t tried everything I wanted to do. To leave dreams deferred. Or ideas dying in my mind before I can bring them to fruition. That’s been a truly heartbreaking experience for me. I have many ideas but struggle to express them. And a lot of ideas and dreams have died in my heart and mind.
Okay, stepping away from that dark stuff, a dream with no action plan or goal is just a wish. I hope y’all have something to work on and strive for. Life can be difficult to live if you have nothing to live for.
I love y’all in a parasocial fellow human on Earth kind of way. Stay safe. Good night, stars!
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